I’m so tired October 25, 2009

I sit here trying to figure out things.  So many things in my head.  Lucas’ birthday came and went.  He got 1 card in the mail.  It makes me think that, like me, he has been forgotten.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have friends and I love them dearly.  But when I was growing up, I always dreaded my Birthday.  Hated it in fact.  You see, we moved from NY to Va & away from family when I was in 3rd grade.  Then every year the Birthday cards and well wishes began to dwindle.  Now, like Lucas yesterday, I may get 1 card.  To be honest, I would rather get 0.

I say all that not because I want to bring attention to me.  But because I can already see the pattern starting.  I don’t think it’s a good sign.  It frustrates me more than anything because I want so badly for my “baby” to know the joys of having his own birthday.  But it looks as if the forgetfulness is beginning.  It makes me sad.  But what can I do?  I can’t force people to remember.

Anyway, it’s not just Lucas’ birthday that has been on my mind.  I have.  I’ve been so tired lately.  I have hardly any energy at all.  But I have a family and must get up and go.  I have to do laundry so we have clean clothes, or clean the bathrooms so they don’t stink, or make dinner so we have food, make the boys lunches so they can eat…  The list goes on, but I’m still so tired.  The headaches don’t help and the coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose and feeling like I’ve got a head full of rocks.  It doesn’t help.

I’ve also been thinking about my kids.  Lucas goes to his 4 yr appt this Thurs.  I have so many questions to ask him about my son.  Then I’ve also got Noah’s parent/teacher conference on Thursday.  Though I am eager to find out how Noah is doing, I pretty much already know.  From the things Noah brings home, he is making some really great grades.  I’m pretty proud of him for trying so hard.  I also have to pick up Tyler’s class’ items to send to the Soldier overseas.  Plus I need to talk to Tyler’s Teacher about how Tyler is doing, though again, I have a pretty good idea that Tyler is doing pretty well also.

There has been so many things going through my mind that I often come on here to write them all down, but then I think about who might be reading.  And though my blog was purposely made for me to vent my opinions, and write about what is going on in our lives in NOVA, but, I find myself holding back because I don’t know who is reading it and if they will be offended because of something I may write.  So THEN I think, what is the point of having a blog?  If I look back at my stats, I think the most people who have looked at my blog in 1 day is maybe 8.  Though I can’t track them down(unless I was really desperate to figure out who is reading), I pretty much know that family isn’t reading what is going on with our lives in NOVA.  We do tend to tell our lives on FACEBOOK alot, so they get the gist from there.  But lately, I’ve been thinking about ending my blog.  Just letting it go.  If I no one is reading to know how we are and what is going on or if I can’t write what I truly feel like writing and I end up censoring my blog, why bother?  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll come back on here with a whole new attitude one day.  Where my pep is back and I’m feeling great and I really don’t care what others think of my opinions.  Because to be honest, who says that I have to have the same opinion as anyone else?  Didn’t God create us as individuals who could make up our own minds?  I believe so!  So yeah…  Maybe one day I will come on here with the “I don’t care” attitude.  Stop walking on egg shells and tell it like I want to.  If your feelings are hurt, that would be your problem not mine.  Everyone has a right to their opinions whether someone else likes them or not.  Just because MY opinion is this_____, doesn’t mean that YOU have to like it and vice versa.

Anyway, I’m tired.  I want so badly to not care anymore.  Not care what others think of me or how I raise my kids.  Not care if I’m feeding my kids hot dogs or steak for dinner.  I want my energy back though.  I just want it BACK!!!  Maybe one day…

Lucas’ 4th Birthday party has been cancelled October 20, 2009

I HATE this! I HATE the fact that I have to cancel my BABY boy’s Birthday party. But I really have no choice. He would end up having 2 kids at his birthday. One kid is 9 while the other is 10. Though they would be there WITH him, he wouldn’t be there FOR him. He would notice they are there, but he wouldn’t really care or enjoy them like he would if they were his age. It would end up being more his brother’s birthday party, not his.

The main reason I canceled was because the kids in the boys school are dropping like flies with the Flu. With Lucas’ immune system as low as it is, I just don’t want to risk him getting sick. Not to mention the girl that’s parents take the boys to school is home sick with the Swine Flu. They found out that she is on the tale end of it, which means Tyler and Noah have been playing with her for the past wk while she has had it. So, I’m just waiting on pins and needles for one of my kids to come to me with a fever.

Not to mention ME! Good Golly! I’m SOOOOO tired of being sick!!! I’m coughing, sneezing, can’t breathe, headache… You would think I had the Swine Flu but I have never had a fever. I’m thinking it’s my allergies. I go in on Thurs for a CT Scan. Next wk I hope to see the ENT to see what’s up next. Last wk he told me they did the wrong test, so we have to go and do the right one. Grrrr! Frustrating! But all’s good! We shall find out soon I hope. But in the mean time, I sniffle, sneeze, and cough my way threw the day!

But it doesn’t help the fact that I’m still so upset that Lucas won’t have a Birthday party. It’s not that I can’t have a party for him in the next month or so, but really? What would be the point? His party would have been over, and he would be looking forward to Christmas. I am SO Angry!

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I think I will be angry for a while. I just want him to enjoy his birthday like his brothers did. They got big blow outs until they were 5 & 6 yrs old! Lucas didn’t even make it to 4. Technically he had one last year, but it wasn’t really a “party”. This year was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be HIS day. Bah! Stupid Flu season!!!

Wow! October 15, 2009

I know it’s been a while. I sat down last wk to type something up but got pulled away and when I came back… Well, my thought process was gone.

This month has been a crazy month. Lots of things happening I don’t even know where to begin. I guess at the beginning of the month right?

Well, the first friday of the Month the boys had a Boy Scouts event. It is called, “Sleeping with the Sharks”. Really cool! They got to go to the Baltimore Aquarium and sleep over night there! There Den got the behind the scenes tour and the boys just fell in love. Seeing Lucas is still too small, we couldn’t stay with them and he and I got a hotel room not far from the Aquarium.

Well, while the boys and Nay did the Aquarium thing, Lucas and I had dinner together, ice cream, and then went back to the hotel. It was oh so nice!!! We did have some problems. For instance, after dinner, we went in search of an Ice Cream place. We found a Ben & Jerry’s but after they had already started making our Shakes(Nilla for Lucas and Mint Choc chip for me), I saw that they didn’t take Credit Cards. So I had to leave in search of a ATM. If you know me, I NEVER use ATM’s. So I had a really hard time getting money just to pay for these dang things! I ended up calling Nay(who btw was in the Aquarium). He was on his way to come help when it hit me, use my old password. Come to find out, it worked! So I called Nay really quick before he left the Aquarium and tell him. Thankfully he hadn’t left the building yet. So I take the money and pay for our shakes and I tell Lucas we are heading back to the Hotel. On our way out(it was getting dusk), I look at the road and the traffic. As I am looking, I see a huge RAT dart out and dart back!! It was the size of a small dog!!! Seriously!!! Well, it darted back into some bushes that I was getting ready to pass. On the other side was a group of people waiting for the cross walk to blink “walk”. Well, they were watching the thing. So I figured if they started turning their heads towards me, I would bolt!!! Gah!!! Those things are so gross!!! Anyway, we got back to the hotel just fine. Lucas fell asleep shortly after(around 7:30pm) and I decided to read my book. That didn’t last long cause I was so tired. So I closed the curtains and turned of the TV and lights and I was out like the lights!!! I fell asleep around 8:30ish. We didn’t wake up the next morning until around 8 am!!!! Oh it was so nice!!!

At around 9 am, I was expecting to get a call from Nay saying they were headed over to the Hotel. Well, I got a call alright. But not telling me they were headed over. Apparently, they were getting ready for the group picture and Tyler was sitting on a hand rail. He slipped and hit face first on the floor. They had to call 911 and get Ambulance to look at him. I headed over right after that. Let’s just say, a 15 min walk, turned into less than 10 mins. When I got there, Tyler was still a bit pale, but he was walking around and they said he would be fine. Just headachy and sore. We then went back to the Hotel, checked out and headed home.

Sunday, we went to go apple picking again. It was a nice day and we didn’t do much but walk around.

Monday started Tyler’s fever days. He was out of school for 2 days. We took him to the Doc and the Doc said that he had a small concussion from the fall on Sat, but the fever didn’t look like it was coming from anything. Just a fever I guess.

Monday night was my meeting with the other MOPS leaders. It was a lot of fun. The entire group prayed for me and I have to tell you that the Power of Prayer is truly amazing!!! I have only had 1 headache since then!!!

Thursday Lucas and I went out to meet Nay for Lunch. We came back home and I put Lucas down for a nap. I ended up sleeping as well. When I woke up, my left shoulder blade was KILLING me!!! I was hoping it would be gone by friday, but it wasn’t.

Friday we called a Chiropractor. He was a bit on the strange side, but he worked my shoulder for me. I was in pain the entire rest of the day and most of Saturday. I didn’t start feeling better until Sunday. Monday was my second appt with him and I was feeling a lot better and he told me that I would be healing for 6 wks. He said not to lift anything heavy or bulky cause if I do, I could have the pain again.

Tuesday wasn’t all that eventful. Tyler got over 110 points, so he decided he wanted to go to Friendly’s to eat. We picked Tuesday cause Kids eat free on Tuesdays! We then separated and Nay took Tyler to 4H and I took the other 2 boys home.

Wednesday was my first day that I’ve gone OUT. Most days if I drive I go to 1 place, yesterday I went to 4 places!!!!! It was so nice to just get away from the apartment for a while!

Today is my ENT appt. I got a call last Monday for the office telling me that Dr. Silva had a Death in the family and would have to reschedule my appt. Today was the earliest. So I took it. Even thought I will have to get the kids out of school early and they will have to sit in the waiting room, I wanted to get it over and done with. I can’t stand the wait anymore. Though I do feel really bad that there was a death in his family. I do hope you will pray for healing for him and his family.

Tomorrow is another MOPS meeting. I’m always way excited about going! I love to go see my Girls! Lucas also loves it cause he get’s to go to “school”. It’s just so nice to visit with friends and sit and listen to someone speak.

After the boys get out of school, I have to then take all my stuff that I plan on selling to one of the local schools. We are having a MOPS Consignment Sale and I figured what better way to get rid of all Lucas’ stuff than to sell it and make money for MOPS too? I volunteered too. I bought all kinds of stuff from Costco that they are going to need for the sale and I will drop that off tomorrow with the stuff. I just hope it’s not raining to bad. Saturday is the actual sale. I’m trying to decide if I want to go or not. I guess I’ll decide on Saturday.

I almost forgot!!! I took the boys(Tyler and Lucas) to the allergist on the 1st. Tyler is off Zyrtec and now on Singulair. Lucas on the other hand is on Zyrtec in the morning, then Singulair in the evening. Nasonex for both boys in the evening, and Astelin for both when needed. The Doc wants me to get a sleep study done on Tyler. I go with him on Monday for a consultation. Then we will get a date for the sleep study. I don’t really know what to expect. But I have to admit, Tyler doesn’t sleep very well. He refuses to sleep in a bed and is always sleeping on the floor. I lie not!!! Every night I go in to check on them, Tyler is curled up in the corner sleeping. At first, I tried to get him to move to his bed, but most of the time he would end up on the floor. Not to mention, he always ends up in our room during the night. Lucas will probably have to have a study done on him too. He doesn’t sleep well either. But we will take the steps when we need to. Lucas goes back in November for another skin test. See if he is MORE allergic now than before. We shall see.

Next wk.

Lucas Birthday party is next Friday. He is having a Cars party. He is so excited!!!! Then on Saturday is his actual birthday. I still can’t believe he will be 4!!!!! It breaks my heart everytime I think about it!!

Next Wednesday, me and another friend are going in and we are going to start the Veteran’s Day project with Tyler’s class. Each kid is going to make a card to say Thank you to the Troops overseas. They will also be bringing in an item to put into a box with all the cards and we will be sending it overseas to a Troop to enjoy for Veterans Day. We hope to do this again for Memorial Day next year. Maybe even send something to the VA Hospital in DC to all the wounded soldiers. I’m really excited about this!!! We are going to be doing tons of stuff with the kids in Tyler’s class this year!!

Between all the sleep study stuff, school stuff and things to do for the party, I have to make Lucas’ costume. He either wants to be a bat or a spider.

I hope to get back on here and tell you all how my day today went. But try not to hold your breath!!!

Child inside… September 27, 2009

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  Don’t have much else to do around here except to think and I’ve been doing a LOT of it.  Some times good, sometimes bad.  I’ll try to keep my Bad thoughts to myself because I’m sure it will probably hurt some feelings and I don’t really like to hurt feelings, so…  My opinions will stay to myself.  For now. 

We went out today.  Nay had to find some new jeans.  It seems for some reason, his current jeans always get a hole in the butt.  No matter how many times I try to fix them, the hole always opens up and usually it just gets bigger.  Well, we went to Target.  Got the pants and looked for some Birthday gifts for Lucas.  We then went to Borders to look for a book for Tyler because he got 55 points and the agreement is, if he can make 55 points he gets a small reward.  He got himself a stickerbook for animals-go figure! 

Anyway, as we were out we decided to go out to eat.  Those who know me, I’m an observer.  I watch people.  It really is quite fasinating!  But as I was sitting there watching all these people I began to think, “No wonder our children are growing up way faster than they should be!”  When you look at others and the way they interact with thier children, you see either them telling their children they can’t touch, or they need to behave.  Even at 2 yrs or so, you see children standing by their parents side being very well behaved, waiting patiently for their Mother or Father to finish with what ever they are doing.  The only thing I can think of, is their children are afraid of what would happen if they decided to pick up something and accidently breaking it, or running off.  Not because their parent would abuse them, but because they don’t know HOW they would react!  Living up here, I have come to see children/families in 2 seperate categories.  Those children who are being forced to grow up way too fast and not knowing their parents and those who see their parents ALL the time and are growing up at the right rate.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have found myself trying to mold my children into the Northern Va mentality.  You have to act this way, you can’t look this way, you have to talk this way, and if you are seen doing ANYTHING out of the mold then you are either in HUGE trouble for making ME look like a Mother who can’t control her children or said children are looked at as being misfits who can’t be controlled.  I think I have recently tried to back step and reverse the damage that I think I have done to my children, but I find myself only making things worse.  So, in other words, I have just confused my children.  But we are still going to try to make sure they are well rounded kids who still have fun, but also learn the things that essential in growing up.  I just hope they don’t try to grow up too fast.

But as I was watching these children I was also watching the parents as well.  I found myself wondering, “When was the last time they PLAYED?”  So then I began to think about myself(told you!  LOTS of thinking!!!).  When was the last time I had fun or I played without thinking, “People are going to look at me and think I’m either Crazy, or I have no self control!”  I am always concerned because of what others with think of me.  Always.  You see, I’ve told people who I’ve thought were friends some of my deepest darkest secrets and every time I bare my soul, I usually get burned.  So I am always thinking about what others will think of me if I do this or that.  Part of my anxiety, what will others think?

So I’m going to try REALLY hard to play more and not worry about what others may think.  I’m going to try to not think at all about what others may think.  I’m just going to try to live, one day at a time and see how those days go.  Maybe one day, my child inside will come out and play for good!!! 

And btw-If this post made no sense to you, please forgive me.  I’m still fighting a headache and sometimes my thoughts don’t always go hand and hand with one another.  I’m seriously thinking about going to see a neurologist to see if maybe my brain function is failing me.  Maybe when the headaches go away, my brain functions will come back?