I’m so tired

October 25, 2009 at 2:27 pm (Uncategorized)

I sit here trying to figure out things.  So many things in my head.  Lucas’ birthday came and went.  He got 1 card in the mail.  It makes me think that, like me, he has been forgotten.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have friends and I love them dearly.  But when I was growing up, I always dreaded my Birthday.  Hated it in fact.  You see, we moved from NY to Va & away from family when I was in 3rd grade.  Then every year the Birthday cards and well wishes began to dwindle.  Now, like Lucas yesterday, I may get 1 card.  To be honest, I would rather get 0.

I say all that not because I want to bring attention to me.  But because I can already see the pattern starting.  I don’t think it’s a good sign.  It frustrates me more than anything because I want so badly for my “baby” to know the joys of having his own birthday.  But it looks as if the forgetfulness is beginning.  It makes me sad.  But what can I do?  I can’t force people to remember.

Anyway, it’s not just Lucas’ birthday that has been on my mind.  I have.  I’ve been so tired lately.  I have hardly any energy at all.  But I have a family and must get up and go.  I have to do laundry so we have clean clothes, or clean the bathrooms so they don’t stink, or make dinner so we have food, make the boys lunches so they can eat…  The list goes on, but I’m still so tired.  The headaches don’t help and the coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose and feeling like I’ve got a head full of rocks.  It doesn’t help.

I’ve also been thinking about my kids.  Lucas goes to his 4 yr appt this Thurs.  I have so many questions to ask him about my son.  Then I’ve also got Noah’s parent/teacher conference on Thursday.  Though I am eager to find out how Noah is doing, I pretty much already know.  From the things Noah brings home, he is making some really great grades.  I’m pretty proud of him for trying so hard.  I also have to pick up Tyler’s class’ items to send to the Soldier overseas.  Plus I need to talk to Tyler’s Teacher about how Tyler is doing, though again, I have a pretty good idea that Tyler is doing pretty well also.

There has been so many things going through my mind that I often come on here to write them all down, but then I think about who might be reading.  And though my blog was purposely made for me to vent my opinions, and write about what is going on in our lives in NOVA, but, I find myself holding back because I don’t know who is reading it and if they will be offended because of something I may write.  So THEN I think, what is the point of having a blog?  If I look back at my stats, I think the most people who have looked at my blog in 1 day is maybe 8.  Though I can’t track them down(unless I was really desperate to figure out who is reading), I pretty much know that family isn’t reading what is going on with our lives in NOVA.  We do tend to tell our lives on FACEBOOK alot, so they get the gist from there.  But lately, I’ve been thinking about ending my blog.  Just letting it go.  If I no one is reading to know how we are and what is going on or if I can’t write what I truly feel like writing and I end up censoring my blog, why bother?  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll come back on here with a whole new attitude one day.  Where my pep is back and I’m feeling great and I really don’t care what others think of my opinions.  Because to be honest, who says that I have to have the same opinion as anyone else?  Didn’t God create us as individuals who could make up our own minds?  I believe so!  So yeah…  Maybe one day I will come on here with the “I don’t care” attitude.  Stop walking on egg shells and tell it like I want to.  If your feelings are hurt, that would be your problem not mine.  Everyone has a right to their opinions whether someone else likes them or not.  Just because MY opinion is this_____, doesn’t mean that YOU have to like it and vice versa.

Anyway, I’m tired.  I want so badly to not care anymore.  Not care what others think of me or how I raise my kids.  Not care if I’m feeding my kids hot dogs or steak for dinner.  I want my energy back though.  I just want it BACK!!!  Maybe one day…