The Incredible Invisible Mom
These past few wks have been a roller coaster for me.
I’ve worked super hard on the house in Lynchburg to get it ready to rent for 9 days straight. All wk I work 8-11 hrs every day. I busted butt everyday & hurt so badly at night I had to take a Motrin just to fall asleep every single night. I yelled & screamed at the boys to help me at the beginning of the wk telling them that the more they helped the faster the work would get done & we could go. But it never made any difference. Towards the end of the wk I finally gave up & did what I had to do. Living in the DC area in an apartment, the boys don’t have a yard to play in, they get the joy of playing in a parking lot… Anyway, that wk they got to enjoy playing in our yard at the house we no longer live in. I have to admit, they enjoyed themselves & acted like real brothers instead of kids who couldn’t stand each other & couldn’t wait to get away from the other. So another reason I gave up yelling & screaming because I recognized it as a gift from God. Yeah I wanted help, but I also was happy they were playing together as brothers. Didn’t make me hurt any less though… 
When I got home, I received a great gift. Only to have it taken away from me 24 hrs later. It broke my heart in pieces. Not because I couldn’t have it but because this gift has been taken from me twice now. How do you live with something like that? So, I’ve been in a dark place. This past wk while I have been trying to deal with how to cope I have been looking deep at other things.
The boys come home & dump there stuff everywhere. Backpack less than 5 ft from the door, shoes kicked off on the other side of the living room, snack cup left on counter or table, cereal bowl left unrinsed with bits of cereal dried on to the sides, sitting on either counter or table(I like to rinse the dishes so its not so hard to wash them), at least 8 drink cups here & there with various drinks still in them(I use 1 cup for me & Lucas gets 1 cup because I rinse his out), papers laying here there & everywhere, hall bathroom(dubbed boys bathroom) has pee stains on the toilet, tooth paste gobbed onto the sink, clothes all over the place to the point I can’t open the door all the way… I could go to their bedroom, but I think you catch my drift.
Everyday I clean up after these kids. I clean during the day & get the apartment looking pretty nice, but as soon as they come home, all Hell breaks loose!! I finally got tired of it. Maybe it was the hormones, or maybe it was just the last straw. I don’t know… Maybe both had a factor in it. I told Nathan & the boys that I wanted to take Lucas & move to Lynchburg. The boys didn’t need me to wake them up & get them off to school or to even welcome them home. I just can’t handle every day yelling & screaming & nagging, “Take your shoes to your room…” “Where does your backpack go?” “Who’s cup is this fill have way with now spoiled milk?” “Clean up these clothes.” “Wipe the lid after you go to the bathroom!” “Flush the toilet after you poop!!” And on & on & on. I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I looked at the boys & asked them point blank, “Are you happy? Do you like for me to yell at you every day about the same things all the time?” They said no of course. I then looked at them & said, “I’m not happy either. I’m not happy being a Mom right now & I want to move somewhere else.” Nathan of course wasn’t happy either. I cried, the boys sulked, & Nathan talked. He thought I didn’t want to be with him & wanted to separate. That wasn’t the case at all! I just can’t live like THIS anymore. I could visit, they could visit me, but I just can’t live like this anymore!!!
The moving is still in the back of my head. To just have to clean up after me & 1 other human would be wonderful. Not to mention, seeing we’ve been home, the boys have gone back to their, “I can’t stand to be around you I wish you would leave” bothers. I’m still not “Happy”. I hope one day I can be. I don’t really do anything for me. To be honest, I don’t do anything I like to do. Sewing has been grounded, crafts too. I read, but to be honest, I do that to try to get away from here. I’m not happy anymore. Don’t get me wrong in all this. I DO love my kids & husband. I REALLY do!! I would lay down my life for them, do anything for them. But sometimes, I wonder if I’m just invisible to them. I often ask myself, “Would they even miss me if I were gone?” I guess in a they would miss me, but I have a funny feeling in time, they would get over it & move on fairly easily without looking back.
Now, I’m sure you are sitting there thinking, “She’s depressed, I can read it in her words.” But to be honest, I’m not. I know what depressed feels like. This is hopelessness. I feel hopeless that I can get anything done & feel like I AM getting something done. I feel hopeless that in a few years, my kids won’t need me at ALL. I feel hopeless because all my friends I have are hours away. Not to mention, I don’t have that many friends to begin with. I feel hopeless that my Husband & I can’t even enjoy a “Date night” and actually have fun simply because we have to go to Lynchburg to have a “Date night” & there is NOTHING in Lynchburg to do on a Date. I guess we could Cruise Wards Road, but I’m not 16 no more!! I feel hopeless that we won’t have a Real Home. Nothing that I would actually want to live in & make comfortable & homey. Right now, this apartment is too small & I haven’t made it a “Home” because I don’t feel like I’m “Home”. To be honest, I’ve never felt like I’ve been home. Anywhere in my life. Well, maybe when we lived in Huddleston when I was growing up, but that was short lived. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. Who knows? Maybe I do need to talk to a counselor. Every counselor I’ve seen in the past has either just said I’ve just got to lose weight, I’m depressed, or just given me magic “happy” pills that never make me happy & always make things worse for me.
The sad part about all this, my hair dresser even asked me if I was taking care of myself. She could tell I wasn’t & I was stressed… I WANT to be happy. I WANT the stress to go away. I WANT to be me again. But how do I even find her?
1 step I took to find her was I made 3 beaded keychains & 1 beaded book mark for gifts. It felt good to MAKE something again. It felt good to see all my “toys”spread out in front of me to “make”. I plan on doing some more “making” tomorrow & will this time be pulling out my sewing machine!! I even have plans to learn how to embroider on my machine!!! I actually FEEL something when I think about it. A little bit giddy I guess. But it’s always so easy to say, I’ll do it tomorrow, or I’ll do it later.
I know God is there for me. But for some reason, He is either not talking to me & waiting to see if I find my way, or He is talking & my ears are all clogged up. I’m straining to hear, it actually hurts that I can’t hear, but I don’t know what He is saying to me. My life lately has reminded me a lot of that song, “This is the Stuff” by Francesca Battistelli
Anyway, I hope to find my way back to me. I’ve even been tossing an idea of a tattoo around in my brain. No worries, nothing too extravagant. I’m thinking a mickey head with the boys names & birth dates around it. Maybe a couple of Butterflies to signify a few angels I hope to see one day in heaven. Like I said, it’s tossing in there. It probably won’t happy simply because the thought of a needle makes me cringe, but who knows? Maybe some day…
onemommyx3
