But the traveling isn’t the only thing that has been trying.  My personal heartbreak in Nov/Dec, my Uncle’s sudden death in Jan(& the trip to NY), the house, the fighting over the house(not between Nathan & I but between the Plumber, my Mom, & us), the kids have been extremely trying as of late, my health & our move.  Well, lets just say, my nerves have been on edge.

I have been extremely happy because I haven’t had a dizzy spell in almost 9 months.  Well, I ended up having a doozy & calling the Cardiologist & made an appt.  Well, I had to wait to go in & in the mean time I was EXHAUSTED.  How to I explain how tired I was?  Well, lets just say, I was falling asleep while I was supposed to be keeping an eye on Lucas & he took advantage of that by coloring on walls & cutting things up. So I would then eat to stay awake.  NOT a good idea!  I ended up gaining 10 lbs in a little less than 2 wks.  And for those who know me, I’m not a small girl to begin with.  I’ve been fighting with my weight for YEARS!!  Anyway, part of my heart condition symptoms is fatigue.  But I know I have to overcome that & push through it.  After going to the Cardiologist, I did find out that there is no further damage to my heart & basically all is well.  But I have to lose weight…  I am trying to pump myself up to do the Atkins thing again.  NOT easy.  But, it worked before, so why not again right?

Anyway, tomorrow is our “big” move.  Basically, we are moving to another apartment in the same complex.  We’ve done this 1 other time already, & I hope this time it goes smoother.  Or maybe this time I will be the one breaking the ankle instead of Nathan.  I could use a break. 

Well, this Summer is going to be a busy one.  The move is tomorrow, I pick up Rachel & her 3 boys next Wed at the airport(in Richmond)-they will be staying for 2 wks, Nathan leaves for NC RIGHT after that-he will be dropping Rachel & the boys at the airport on his way to NC, I will head to Lynchburg with the kids for the wkend & Nathan will meet us there because that monday both Nathan & I have a dentist appt, first of July we are going to Kingsfest at Kings Dominion & camping, Tyler’s birthday is later in July, then Nathan wants to go to NY/Penn for a reunion & to see the farm(again), Nathan has to go to Florida at some point, I think Tenn, then he has to go to Va Beach for work & we are going to tag along(I think), then after that we have to start getting the boys ready for school.  All 3 this time!  OIY!

Yes, you heard me!  Lucas is registered for school next year!  This year hasn’t been hard enough already & with all the emotional mess that’s been going on, I have turned into an emotional monster!!  During Lucas’ Kinder Orientation they took the kids for a bus ride, WITHOUT the parents!!  I just about lost it in front of all those parents!!  Not too many parents were upset.  I have to think it is because they were already sending their kiddos to Daycare.  Anyway, I just don’t know what I’m going to do!!  I can’t really get a day job, 1-I don’t have any experience other than customer service, 2-Lucas will only gone for 3 hours, plus he will be going in the morning.  It would be different if he were going in the afternoon.  I could arrange for Nathan to be home at 3 so that he could pick the kids up off the bus.  But with Nathan’s job & him working so much lately, I don’t think that would be a good idea anyway.  So here I sit thinking about all the lonely time I’m going to have while Lucas is in school.

Yep, I’m an emotional roller coaster as of late.  I do hope God shows me what I should be doing or what direction to take.  I’m kinda getting irritated because I don’t have the answers to ANY of my questions lately.  Sometimes I’ve even wondered if God has forgotten about me or if He is just seeing what MY next step is.  But here’s the deal, I don’t know myself!  No doors have opened for me.  So it’s not like I can just say, “Ok, I’ve got 2 doors to choose from, which one do I take?” and then have to think about it.  Because there are NO DOORS.  In a way, I’m kinda just floating along.  Nathan wants to move to Florida, so if that happens, I go.  We have to move, so we are, I go.  Kids need something for school, I go.  Right NOW, I have no purpose in my life.  It’s kinda frustrating to be honest with you!  For almost 13 yrs, I’ve taken care of the kids.  Now all 3 are going off to school so I sit & think, “Now what?”  Someone joked & said, “Have another kid.”  Not that easy…  Part of me has even thought about getting a puppy(one the boys aren’t allergic to) to take care of during the day.  What do they call them?  “Fur-babies”?

Bah!  I guess I’ll just keep floating along.  Go where ever anyone takes me, God, Husband, kids…  Cause right now, I don’t see MY purpose and to be honest with you, it makes me kinda angry!  God put me here for a reason right?  So where do I go?!

I’ve worked super hard on the house in Lynchburg to get it ready to rent for 9 days straight.  All wk I work 8-11 hrs every day.  I busted butt everyday & hurt so badly at night I had to take a Motrin just to fall asleep every single night.  I yelled & screamed at the boys to help me at the beginning of the wk telling them that the more they helped the faster the work would get done & we could go.  But it never made any difference.  Towards the end of the wk I finally gave up & did what I had to do.  Living in the DC area in an apartment, the boys don’t have a yard to play in, they get the joy of playing in a parking lot…  Anyway, that wk they got to enjoy playing in our yard at the house we no longer live in.  I have to admit, they enjoyed themselves & acted like real brothers instead of kids who couldn’t stand each other & couldn’t wait to get away from the other.  So another reason I gave up yelling & screaming because I recognized it as a gift from God.  Yeah I wanted help, but I also was happy they were playing together as brothers.  Didn’t make me hurt any less though… 

When I got home, I received a great gift.  Only to have it taken away from me 24 hrs later.  It broke my heart in pieces.  Not because I couldn’t have it but because this gift has been taken from me twice now.  How do you live with something like that?  So, I’ve been in a dark place.  This past wk while I have been trying to deal with how to cope I have been looking deep at other things.

The boys come home & dump there stuff everywhere.  Backpack less than 5 ft from the door, shoes kicked off on the other side of the living room, snack cup left on counter or table, cereal bowl left unrinsed with bits of cereal dried on to the sides, sitting on either counter or table(I like to rinse the dishes so its not so hard to wash them), at least 8 drink cups here & there with various drinks still in them(I use 1 cup for me & Lucas gets 1 cup because I rinse his out), papers laying here there & everywhere, hall bathroom(dubbed boys bathroom) has pee stains on the toilet, tooth paste gobbed onto the sink, clothes all over the place to the point I can’t open the door all the way…  I could go to their bedroom, but I think you catch my drift.

Everyday I clean up after these kids.  I clean during the day & get the apartment looking pretty nice, but as soon as they come home, all Hell breaks loose!!  I finally got tired of it.  Maybe it was the hormones, or maybe it was just the last straw.  I don’t know… Maybe both had a factor in it.  I told Nathan & the boys that I wanted to take Lucas & move to Lynchburg.  The boys didn’t need me to wake them up & get them off to school or to even welcome them home.  I just can’t handle every day yelling & screaming & nagging, “Take your shoes to your room…” “Where does your backpack go?” “Who’s cup is this fill have way with now spoiled milk?” “Clean up these clothes.” “Wipe the lid after you go to the bathroom!”  “Flush the toilet after you poop!!”  And on & on & on.  I just don’t want to live like this anymore.  I looked at the boys & asked them point blank, “Are you happy?  Do you like for me to yell at you every day about the same things all the time?”  They said no of course.  I then looked at them & said, “I’m not happy either.  I’m not happy being a Mom right now & I want to move somewhere else.”  Nathan of course wasn’t happy either.  I cried, the boys sulked, & Nathan talked.  He thought I didn’t want to be with him & wanted to separate.  That wasn’t the case at all!  I just can’t live like THIS anymore.  I could visit, they could visit me, but I just can’t live like this anymore!!!

The moving is still in the back of my head.  To just have to clean up after me & 1 other human would be wonderful.  Not to mention, seeing we’ve been home, the boys have gone back to their, “I can’t stand to be around you I wish you would leave” bothers.  I’m still not “Happy”.  I hope one day I can be.  I don’t really do anything for me.  To be honest, I don’t do anything I like to do.  Sewing has been grounded, crafts too.  I read, but to be honest, I do that to try to get away from here.  I’m not happy anymore.  Don’t get me wrong in all this.  I DO love my kids & husband.  I REALLY do!!  I would lay down my life for them, do anything for them.  But sometimes, I wonder if I’m just invisible to them.  I often ask myself, “Would they even miss me if I were gone?”  I guess in a they would miss me, but I have a funny feeling in time, they would get over it & move on fairly easily without looking back.

Now, I’m sure you are sitting there thinking, “She’s depressed, I can read it in her words.”  But to be honest, I’m not.  I know what depressed feels like.  This is hopelessness.  I feel hopeless that I can get anything done & feel like I AM getting something done.  I feel hopeless that in a few years, my kids won’t need me at ALL.  I feel hopeless because all my friends I have are hours away.  Not to mention, I don’t have that many friends to begin with.  I feel hopeless that my Husband & I can’t even enjoy a “Date night” and actually have fun simply because we have to go to Lynchburg to have a “Date night” & there is NOTHING in Lynchburg to do on a Date.  I guess we could Cruise Wards Road, but I’m not 16 no more!!  I feel hopeless that we won’t have a Real Home.  Nothing that I would actually want to live in & make comfortable & homey.  Right now, this apartment is too small & I haven’t made it a “Home” because I don’t feel like I’m “Home”.  To be honest, I’ve never felt like I’ve been home.  Anywhere in my life.  Well, maybe when we lived in Huddleston when I was growing up, but that was short lived.  I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.  Who knows?  Maybe I do need to talk to a counselor.  Every counselor I’ve seen in the past has either just said I’ve just got to lose weight, I’m depressed, or just given me magic “happy” pills that never make me happy & always make things worse for me.

The sad part about all this, my hair dresser even asked me if I was taking care of myself.  She could tell I wasn’t & I was stressed…  I WANT to be happy.  I WANT the stress to go away.  I WANT to be me again.  But how do I even find her?

1 step I took to find her was I made 3 beaded keychains & 1 beaded book mark for gifts.  It felt good to MAKE something again.  It felt good to see all my “toys”spread out in front of me to “make”.  I plan on doing some more “making” tomorrow & will this time be pulling out my sewing machine!!  I even have plans to learn how to embroider on my machine!!!    I actually FEEL something when I think about it.  A little bit giddy I guess.  But it’s always so easy to say, I’ll do it tomorrow, or I’ll do it later.

I know God is there for me.  But for some reason, He is either not talking to me & waiting to see if I find my way, or He is talking & my ears are all clogged up.  I’m straining to hear, it actually hurts that I can’t hear, but I don’t know what He is saying to me.  My life lately has reminded me a lot of that song, “This is the Stuff” by Francesca Battistelli

Anyway, I hope to find my way back to me.  I’ve even been tossing an idea of a tattoo around in my brain.  No worries, nothing too extravagant.  I’m thinking a mickey head with the boys names & birth dates around it.  Maybe a couple of Butterflies to signify a few angels I hope to see one day in heaven.  Like I said, it’s tossing in there.  It probably won’t happy simply because the thought of a needle makes me cringe, but who knows?  Maybe some day… 

After doing research for my Mom, we have found that my Father has suffered from the side effects from Agent Orange.  He had a heart attack at an early age, 45, and the VA are considering him a Veteran who has suffered.  But what I am also finding out is that I am an Offspring of a Veteran who was exposed to Agent Orange.  You see, I have a heart defect.  Bicuspid Aortic Valve with Aortic Regurgitation.  My Doctors said that my defect is family related.  Well, I’ve been trying to track down what family member may have my defect.

I don’t believe my father did, though he did die young of Heart issues.  We believe that his heart attack was caused by this Agent Orange.  My Grandfather died of Lung Cancer at a nice old age & my Grandmother on my Dad’s side is still alive at 80 yrs.  My Grandmother on my Mom’s side died of old age(from what I understand she was a healthy woman), & my Mom’s Dad died when my Mom was young.  I think it was Liver Cancer for him.  My Mom’s siblings have either died of old age or Liver something or other.  My Dad’s siblings are all still alive.  So I have to assume I’m the first to have this defect & I also have to assume that it’s because of the Agent Orange.

In the next 10-15 yrs I will have to have surgery to either put in a stint to keep my aortic valve open or to put in a plastic replacement of the Bicuspid area.  It would be a Tricuspid piece to help my heart.

My Mom is going through the channels to put my Father on the list of Veteran’s who have suffered from Agent Orange.  But I don’t know what to do for me or if I have any channels to be put on a list of Offspring effected by Agent Orange or even if I WANT to be put on a List.  From what I understand, my Mom may receive a settlement for the Suit.  I don’t know if there is anything rewarded to the Offspring with defects.  But the more I read about Agent Orange the more I wish I could pretend I never even heard of it. You see, apparently, it also effects for generations.  So my boys could also be effected & it would also be the reason for their premature births.  But how am I to know if that is all true.  Do I take a test?  Blood work?

But NOTHING will bring back my Dad & NOTHING will heal my heart.  No money could ever repair any of this, so why bother?  So my heart is screaming at me to just let it all go.  Let God take care of everything.  Cause no matter the fact that all 3 boys were premature, God took care of them then & he continues to take care of them now.  I know in my defected heart that God will also take care of me, now & when the time comes where I need surgery, He will take care of me then.  I have found comfort in KNOWING God takes care.  Of me, my kids, my family & the things that pop up.

So I’m letting go & letting God!  <3

I was watching the Today show just now.  Wrapped in my blanket, holding my cup of coffee, listening to Lucas play on the iPad.  Then a segment comes on about Weight loss pills.  Apparently people are doubling up on the weight loss pills to lose weight.  Ok, for the record, never done that.  I don’t particularly like taking pills so I try to stay away from them.  There was a time in the recent past that my Doctor prescribed me with weight loss pills, but I didn’t even finish the bottle.

Anyway, as you should know, I have been struggling with weight loss for quite some time.  It’s not easy.  Since the beginning of January, Nathan & I have been a part of  a at home Biggest Loser.  I’ve lost about 10 lbs according to the scale today.  But technically, in the past 7 or 8 weeks, I have probably lost more around 20-30 lbs(more) because if I eat just 1 thing that is even CLOSE to not healthy, I gain weight.  For instance, we went to Outback this past wkend.  I THOUGHT I was doing good by eating a chicken breast grilled & a Sweet potatoe.  I weighed myself yesterday & since last Thursday I gained 5 lbs.  I’ve been trying to eat only half of all my meals, drinking things that have less sugar, eating more fiber & I have even started jogging!  Last friday alone I ran 3 miles in 39 mins.  Saturday we worked on the house & I was wielding a hammer(I know… SCARY!!).  I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, & we didn’t eat again til around 7pm.  I didn’t eat during the day because there was no food in the house(its currently inhabitable), & I didn’t want to eat anything from McD’s.  So what should I have done?  What was the lesser of the 2 evils?  Eat McD’s or nothing?  We came home on Sunday.

I’ve actually come to a point where I sit here & think, “What’s the point in trying any longer?  I’m going to the gym 3x a wk, jogging 3 miles each time.  Only to at the end of the wk end up gaining 5 lbs to try to lose it all again by the next weigh in.”  So each wk, I gain 5 lbs & struggle to lose that 5 lbs by Thursday(our weigh in day for BL) & try even harder to lose MORE than that 5 lbs, to gain 5 lbs again to start the whole process all over again.  It’s so tiring.

But everybody has there simple fix.  Just eat better, eat more fiber, eat smaller meals, get more exercise…  But the simple fix that infuriated me this morning was that the lady they were interviewing on the Today show was talking about how dangerous the pills were.  I agree!  But then she told Meredith to just “Push away from the table & take a walk.  It’s easier.”  Do you think I haven’t tried that?  For crying out loud, I’m JOGGING!  Something I HATE to do, but I’m trying so HARD to lose this weight!!!  So I’ve done something I hate but to only find it’s not really working.  I have eaten cereal 2 meals a day thinking along the Special K diet, I’ve eaten small meals, I’ve tried eating nothing at all, I’ve made separate meals for me & the family, Weight watchers, Protein diet(which btw worked but the thought of eating 1 more egg makes me nauseated), I’ve tried the pills…  I’ve TRIED!!!  So the advice to just Push away from the table & take a walk?  Doesn’t work.  It’s not that easy.  Some people just can’t do that.  Some people don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to do.

But, I will continue to try to lose this weight.  I am part of a team & don’t want to let them down.  So I will keep pushing.

I’m not happy with the weight I have.  But I’m also not happy when I see results & then it just reverses so I have to try harder.

Maybe it’s the continued stress in my life.

So, I will now leave you to this, get up off this couch, get dress, get Lucas dress, & head out the door to get some steps in(I have been carrying my pedometer with me every day for the past year).  1 steps is 1 more than I had before.  Maybe that step will be the step that loses that pound.

Donald Koch, husband, father, Uncle, & friend passed away on Tuesday January 11, 2011.  My best guess would be that his body just couldn’t fight the Cancer anymore.  It’s hard to imagine the last time I saw him was in July 2010.  Barely half a year.  He joked with me, he laughed (at me) & beneath the beard was the smile that warmed my heart.  I was always so happy around him.  Not just because he was family & I HAD to be happy, but because he made it so easy to FEEL happy around him.  My Aunt Rose & Uncle Don were a couple I could be comfortable around & I would be more than happy to spend all my time with them.

Uncle Don was a breath of fresh air.  He reminded me so much of my Dad so every time I was around him I felt like I was in my Dad’s presence again.  I felt like, in a way, Dad was there too.  I don’t know how to explain it.  I KNEW it was my Uncle, but it FELT like somehow I was speaking to my Dad as well.  My Dad & my Uncle were 2 peas in a pod!    2 different people, so similar.  I have missed my Dad’s laugh, & found Uncle Don’s laugh to make me so happy.  Both laughs will be missed. 

I sit here thinking about what they may be doing now.  My only thought to that is, fishing, talking, laughing & getting acquainted again.  My Dad is no longer alone in heaven.  That gives me comfort while at the same time brings tears to my eyes.  Why God needed 2 incredible men will always baffle me, I understand too that God needed them for a reason I will never understand.  Understand? 

I know too well what my Aunt & cousins will be going through.  Though they are a little bit older than I was when I lost Dad, they are feeling the same feelings I did when I was going through this with my own family.  They will feel lost, confused, & often feel adrift.  They will often want to feel the family around them & then just the same want to be alone.  They will get tired of the “How are you doing?”‘s & want to scream at who ever says them, to want to have people asking how they are & getting the hugs.  The anger will be just as strong as the sadness, sometimes stronger.  It will hurt for quite a while.  The guilt will set in too.  “What more could I have done?”  “Why didn’t I notice sooner that something was wrong?”  “Should I have done more?”  “I should have said I love you more.”  ALL questions I asked my self & still ask at times.  But I have come to realize(after 16 yrs) that there wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent Dad from going to God.  God needs him more than me now.  The thing I regret the most is that Dad has never met any of his Grandchildren.  Well, I take that back, he has a couple with him that we have never met ourselves.

When in NY for my Uncle’s Memorial I found there wasn’t much to say but, “I’m Sorry.”  and “I love you.”  I remember hearing all kinds of things at 16, but NOTHING helped.  So what more could I say.  I AM sorry & I DO love my Aunt & cousins.  Those were both truths.  But I couldn’t say, “I’ll be here if you need me.”  or “If you need ANYTHING, just let me know.”  Because I can’t be there, I live 6+ hrs away, & I can’t promise to give ANYTHING.  I can’t give them their loved one back.  That’s a promise no one should give.  And as I look back, the only thing that anyone could have said to me was, I love you & I’m sorry.  Don’t promise to be there when you won’t & don’t promise to do anything because that is a promise you can’t follow through with.  If you KNOW you can promise to sit with them while they cry, go ahead, promise it.  If you know you can be there when ever they want to scream or holler, go head.  But please remember not to promise things you can’t follow through with.

One thing you can do for the family is pray for them.  It won’t take all the hurt away, but it will give them some kind of hope that people are thinking about them & praying for them.

From one Family member to another…

As you know, Nathan’s Dad had a Lung Transplant on October 24, 2010(Lucas’ 5th Birthday).  He came home the wk before Christmas but not before he found out that his body is rejecting the lung so he has been going through all kinds of medical stuff to help his body except the lung.  In the next wk he will be going in for another surgery called a “Stomach Wrap”.  I have no idea what that is, but he said that it will help with the Acid reflux which also effects the lungs.  He will be in the hospital for 3-4 days.  I just ask that you pray that this helps.  I am giving you the link to his Caring Bridge site.

Here is the site for my Father-in-law:  Caring Bridge for Rick Boothe

Here is the site for my Uncle:  Caring Bridge for Donald Koch

I think my Uncles excepts Donations.  Cancer is a costly illness & my Uncle went through quite a few surgeries.  But the best payment for both our families is to PRAY please!!!

So I start this post off with that for this reason… This year is new. I’m going to make sure I get things done this year. I am determined to make goals and make sure they are accomplished. I’m tired of saying, “I wish…” or “Why can’t ___ just happen?” Well, I need to MAKE it happen. It won’t do it on it’s own. God won’t magically MAKE it happen. And to be honest, I’m kinda tired of waiting for God to perform a miracle & do things for me.

Oh, I know God will be with me as I go through all this. I’m hoping he can pick me up right away if I get down & start to give up. Honestly, I’m scared I will give up. But for now, I’m riding high.

I signed up with Nathan at his workplace for the Biggest Loser challenge they are doing. I’m hoping this will help be be more responsible to myself so I don’t let my team down. My “healthy” weight is 140 lbs. I don’t think that is a reasonable goal. I remember when I was 170 & everyone thought I was TOO skinny. I so I think I’m going to shoot for 160. If I feel like I can go for the extra 20 lbs, I will, but for now my ultimate goal is 160 lbs. My short term goal is to loose 15 lbs by the end of the month. That’s 5 lbs a wk, but if I don’t make it, I am determined NOT to crawl into my depression hole & eat all the chocolate I can find.

My next goal is to finish Lucas’ quilt before he outgrows it. It’s a twin bed size block quilt with transportation vehicles on it. Back when I started it, he was just old enough to appreciate it, now… Well, he’s outgrowing it FAST!!! But I plan on doing my best on it so one day he could give it to his child. That would be nice.

My future goals are-finish curtains for Nephew Robbie, make curtains for Niece Kylee, finish my sister Tracy’s wall quilt, try to Crochet again(not really a big goal, but still would be nice to work on it), work & finish lots of Scrapbooking(want to finish 2008 that I started 2 yrs ago!), and last but certainly not least, work on this family.

I plan on posting pics of all the goals I finish. So hopefully you will see a quilt on here in a few days!!!

Pray for me!!!

We will still have Uncle Don’s Cancer to pray about, but from the updates I’ve been given things are looking up & it looks like they have a plan for his treatments ready to go.  I did find out that the Cancer has spread throughout his neck though which requires even MORE prayer.  Cancer I have discovered, is a nasty beast!  My Grandmother had Breast Cancer & survived.  I didn’t hear much about that.  I do know from recent Doctors visits of my own that I will have to be tested for Breast Cancer when I am 35(3 years away).  But going through & hearing all the stuff that Uncle Don is going through has opened my eyes wide to the fact that Cancer is something that needs a touch from God to help get rid of.  I believe Satan is involved with Cancer.  Again, Cancer is a Nasty, Evil Beast!  Discribes Satan to a T right?  Anyway, I still ask for prayers for him & his family.  *Note:Uncle Don is married to my Dad’s sister.  That is how we are related & I love them ALL so much it hurts sometimes!*

We are also having to deal with our house back in Lynchburg.  We had rented our house to my sister & her family & they have recently moved out.  It’s not a happy story & I would rather keep it to myself.  But I would like to add that I love my sister & her kids with everything in me.  I would obviously do anything for them.  I just have to start thinking about my family too.  Saying that, we will be going back & forth to Lynchburg to fix up the house.  There is lots of painting to do, carpets to replace, floors to replace, & last but certainly not least, the ceilings in 2 rooms have come down because of water damage(something happened to a water pipe upstairs & the ceiling has come down-but that’s a whole different story).  Lord knows I would rather give the job to someone else, but it would be cheaper for us to do it all ourselves.

On the up side, with everything we will have to do, we will be doing the things we wanted to do before we moved up here!  The house is almost 100 yrs old so a lot of the walls have no insulation in them so because we have to pull down a few walls from water damage & the ceilings as well, we are just going to do the insulation now.  Plus the floors can be redone with laminate floors, which will look nice.  The original flooring was hard wood, but it’s looking like it’s 100 yrs old!  I don’t know, maybe we can sand those down & make them look nice again.  We’ll see…  The water damage has even gone into the kitchen, so we may have to replace the cabinets too.

But we can’t do anything until we get up there & see the house for ourselves.  After everything is done with the house we are thinking about selling it.  We still have a lot to talk about though.

Other than my Uncle & the house, we are also have Tyler tested.  Neurologically tested.  His attitude is off the wall.  Some days he is fine & loving & some days he just can’t hold it in.  He has been diagnosed with ADHD, but have been wondering if it is something different.  We were going to have him tested for Bi Polar, but after talking to the Phsych, she thinks that it may be something Neurological.  So he goes in for testing on Jan 31st & the testing is going to take 4 hrs.  He’ll miss a full day of school for this, but its worth it!  He is also going in to a different Allergist this coming Tues to test him again for his allergies(Lucas too).  We are going to see someone different this time.  Nathan didn’t like the first one the boys were going to, so I told him he was going to be there this time to ask all HIS questions!  So we may even find out if he is allergic to some kind of food that is causing all these mood swings.  The Phsych Doc did say that everything we were telling her, even the sensory issues Tyler has, she said it sounded like he was in the spectrum of Autism(apparently the Autistic spectrum is huge).  So it will be interesting to see what the results say.  Cause if we can figure this out & get on the right track for helping him, maybe the other 2 boys will be easier to handle too.  The things that the Doc said were steering her this way was the Sensory things, the fact that he is a WONDERFUL student & getting GREAT grades, & the fact that he blows up when he gets home.  She said kids with ADHD don’t just be good in school & get great grades, they can’t control it.  So seeing that he is doing so well & then comes home a blows shows her that its Neurological & even in the Autistic spectrum.  If any of this makes sense to you, Congrats!!!  You know more than I do now!!! 

With everything that we have gone through & will be doing in the next month or so, I trust that God is with me every step of the way.  I still have a few things I have to get through, but I still have full Faith in God.  He will help us get through everything.    Faith is all I have at this point!

Now, if I could find a diet that really works, I would be all set to go!!! 

I found out last Friday that my Uncle was just getting out of the Hospital.  He was supposed to be out by Thanksgiving, but there were all kinds of complications.  But I also found out that they found another lump on his head.  Which means the Cancer spread.  So now they are trying to figure out the best steps to take for him.  As I said before I think, my Uncle is one of the Best people I know.  I love him so much!  And for this to happen during this time of year especially is killing me.  So I’m praying for a miracle.  Or just comfort, healing, rest, & understanding.  That would help them out a bunch too.  My Aunt & cousins are having a really hard time with this.  So I pray for comfort for them.  I just wish I could be there to help them, but they are in NY.  So I’m doing what I know is best, praying.  So if you could do a little praying too, I would greatly appreciate it!!

I know that God is by my side.  I know that He is also by theirs.  But there are a few Angels in heaven that I hope are watching over Uncle Don & the family now too.  I pray that they feel that presence soon.

This month is really hard on me to begin with.  It just got double hard for me.

I’m trying to stay spiritually positive.  I know God is by my side.  It also helps that Nathan is by my side.  One day I will be able to get my answers & understand what has happened.  But right now, I will just have to be happy knowing that God has a plan & this bump in my road is part of his plan.  God said he would carry the burden for me.  I trust in time that I will be able to give over the full burden & 1 day be completely happy again.  1 day at a time though.  Right now is just too early for that 1 day.  So I will hold close the ones who are special to me & the ones I hold dear to my heart, I will hold ALL a little bit tighter.

I don’t really want to explain.  I’m just going through a very hard time right now.  I don’t understand it.  But I need to before next wkend so I don’t ruin the Disney trip.  I don’t want to be a wet blanket on the trip.  I need to feel God’s presence.

So if you could, please say a small prayer for me.  Just a small one.