Hell on Wheels

June 3, 2011 at 1:22 pm (Uncategorized)

This past almost year has been Hell on Wheels for me.  Literally.  We’ve been going back & forth to Lynchburg so many times I have almost forgotten where we actually live.  But we haven’t been to Lynchburg in almost a month which is really refreshing.

But the traveling isn’t the only thing that has been trying.  My personal heartbreak in Nov/Dec, my Uncle’s sudden death in Jan(& the trip to NY), the house, the fighting over the house(not between Nathan & I but between the Plumber, my Mom, & us), the kids have been extremely trying as of late, my health & our move.  Well, lets just say, my nerves have been on edge.

I have been extremely happy because I haven’t had a dizzy spell in almost 9 months.  Well, I ended up having a doozy & calling the Cardiologist & made an appt.  Well, I had to wait to go in & in the mean time I was EXHAUSTED.  How to I explain how tired I was?  Well, lets just say, I was falling asleep while I was supposed to be keeping an eye on Lucas & he took advantage of that by coloring on walls & cutting things up. So I would then eat to stay awake.  NOT a good idea!  I ended up gaining 10 lbs in a little less than 2 wks.  And for those who know me, I’m not a small girl to begin with.  I’ve been fighting with my weight for YEARS!!  Anyway, part of my heart condition symptoms is fatigue.  But I know I have to overcome that & push through it.  After going to the Cardiologist, I did find out that there is no further damage to my heart & basically all is well.  But I have to lose weight…  I am trying to pump myself up to do the Atkins thing again.  NOT easy.  But, it worked before, so why not again right?

Anyway, tomorrow is our “big” move.  Basically, we are moving to another apartment in the same complex.  We’ve done this 1 other time already, & I hope this time it goes smoother.  Or maybe this time I will be the one breaking the ankle instead of Nathan.  I could use a break.  🙂

Well, this Summer is going to be a busy one.  The move is tomorrow, I pick up Rachel & her 3 boys next Wed at the airport(in Richmond)-they will be staying for 2 wks, Nathan leaves for NC RIGHT after that-he will be dropping Rachel & the boys at the airport on his way to NC, I will head to Lynchburg with the kids for the wkend & Nathan will meet us there because that monday both Nathan & I have a dentist appt, first of July we are going to Kingsfest at Kings Dominion & camping, Tyler’s birthday is later in July, then Nathan wants to go to NY/Penn for a reunion & to see the farm(again), Nathan has to go to Florida at some point, I think Tenn, then he has to go to Va Beach for work & we are going to tag along(I think), then after that we have to start getting the boys ready for school.  All 3 this time!  OIY!

Yes, you heard me!  Lucas is registered for school next year!  This year hasn’t been hard enough already & with all the emotional mess that’s been going on, I have turned into an emotional monster!!  During Lucas’ Kinder Orientation they took the kids for a bus ride, WITHOUT the parents!!  I just about lost it in front of all those parents!!  Not too many parents were upset.  I have to think it is because they were already sending their kiddos to Daycare.  Anyway, I just don’t know what I’m going to do!!  I can’t really get a day job, 1-I don’t have any experience other than customer service, 2-Lucas will only gone for 3 hours, plus he will be going in the morning.  It would be different if he were going in the afternoon.  I could arrange for Nathan to be home at 3 so that he could pick the kids up off the bus.  But with Nathan’s job & him working so much lately, I don’t think that would be a good idea anyway.  So here I sit thinking about all the lonely time I’m going to have while Lucas is in school.

Yep, I’m an emotional roller coaster as of late.  I do hope God shows me what I should be doing or what direction to take.  I’m kinda getting irritated because I don’t have the answers to ANY of my questions lately.  Sometimes I’ve even wondered if God has forgotten about me or if He is just seeing what MY next step is.  But here’s the deal, I don’t know myself!  No doors have opened for me.  So it’s not like I can just say, “Ok, I’ve got 2 doors to choose from, which one do I take?” and then have to think about it.  Because there are NO DOORS.  In a way, I’m kinda just floating along.  Nathan wants to move to Florida, so if that happens, I go.  We have to move, so we are, I go.  Kids need something for school, I go.  Right NOW, I have no purpose in my life.  It’s kinda frustrating to be honest with you!  For almost 13 yrs, I’ve taken care of the kids.  Now all 3 are going off to school so I sit & think, “Now what?”  Someone joked & said, “Have another kid.”  Not that easy…  Part of me has even thought about getting a puppy(one the boys aren’t allergic to) to take care of during the day.  What do they call them?  “Fur-babies”?

Bah!  I guess I’ll just keep floating along.  Go where ever anyone takes me, God, Husband, kids…  Cause right now, I don’t see MY purpose and to be honest with you, it makes me kinda angry!  God put me here for a reason right?  So where do I go?!

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The Incredible Invisible Mom

May 4, 2011 at 9:42 pm (Uncategorized)

These past few wks have been a roller coaster for me.

I’ve worked super hard on the house in Lynchburg to get it ready to rent for 9 days straight.  All wk I work 8-11 hrs every day.  I busted butt everyday & hurt so badly at night I had to take a Motrin just to fall asleep every single night.  I yelled & screamed at the boys to help me at the beginning of the wk telling them that the more they helped the faster the work would get done & we could go.  But it never made any difference.  Towards the end of the wk I finally gave up & did what I had to do.  Living in the DC area in an apartment, the boys don’t have a yard to play in, they get the joy of playing in a parking lot…  Anyway, that wk they got to enjoy playing in our yard at the house we no longer live in.  I have to admit, they enjoyed themselves & acted like real brothers instead of kids who couldn’t stand each other & couldn’t wait to get away from the other.  So another reason I gave up yelling & screaming because I recognized it as a gift from God.  Yeah I wanted help, but I also was happy they were playing together as brothers.  Didn’t make me hurt any less though…  🙂

When I got home, I received a great gift.  Only to have it taken away from me 24 hrs later.  It broke my heart in pieces.  Not because I couldn’t have it but because this gift has been taken from me twice now.  How do you live with something like that?  So, I’ve been in a dark place.  This past wk while I have been trying to deal with how to cope I have been looking deep at other things.

The boys come home & dump there stuff everywhere.  Backpack less than 5 ft from the door, shoes kicked off on the other side of the living room, snack cup left on counter or table, cereal bowl left unrinsed with bits of cereal dried on to the sides, sitting on either counter or table(I like to rinse the dishes so its not so hard to wash them), at least 8 drink cups here & there with various drinks still in them(I use 1 cup for me & Lucas gets 1 cup because I rinse his out), papers laying here there & everywhere, hall bathroom(dubbed boys bathroom) has pee stains on the toilet, tooth paste gobbed onto the sink, clothes all over the place to the point I can’t open the door all the way…  I could go to their bedroom, but I think you catch my drift.

Everyday I clean up after these kids.  I clean during the day & get the apartment looking pretty nice, but as soon as they come home, all Hell breaks loose!!  I finally got tired of it.  Maybe it was the hormones, or maybe it was just the last straw.  I don’t know… Maybe both had a factor in it.  I told Nathan & the boys that I wanted to take Lucas & move to Lynchburg.  The boys didn’t need me to wake them up & get them off to school or to even welcome them home.  I just can’t handle every day yelling & screaming & nagging, “Take your shoes to your room…” “Where does your backpack go?” “Who’s cup is this fill have way with now spoiled milk?” “Clean up these clothes.” “Wipe the lid after you go to the bathroom!”  “Flush the toilet after you poop!!”  And on & on & on.  I just don’t want to live like this anymore.  I looked at the boys & asked them point blank, “Are you happy?  Do you like for me to yell at you every day about the same things all the time?”  They said no of course.  I then looked at them & said, “I’m not happy either.  I’m not happy being a Mom right now & I want to move somewhere else.”  Nathan of course wasn’t happy either.  I cried, the boys sulked, & Nathan talked.  He thought I didn’t want to be with him & wanted to separate.  That wasn’t the case at all!  I just can’t live like THIS anymore.  I could visit, they could visit me, but I just can’t live like this anymore!!!

The moving is still in the back of my head.  To just have to clean up after me & 1 other human would be wonderful.  Not to mention, seeing we’ve been home, the boys have gone back to their, “I can’t stand to be around you I wish you would leave” bothers.  I’m still not “Happy”.  I hope one day I can be.  I don’t really do anything for me.  To be honest, I don’t do anything I like to do.  Sewing has been grounded, crafts too.  I read, but to be honest, I do that to try to get away from here.  I’m not happy anymore.  Don’t get me wrong in all this.  I DO love my kids & husband.  I REALLY do!!  I would lay down my life for them, do anything for them.  But sometimes, I wonder if I’m just invisible to them.  I often ask myself, “Would they even miss me if I were gone?”  I guess in a they would miss me, but I have a funny feeling in time, they would get over it & move on fairly easily without looking back.

Now, I’m sure you are sitting there thinking, “She’s depressed, I can read it in her words.”  But to be honest, I’m not.  I know what depressed feels like.  This is hopelessness.  I feel hopeless that I can get anything done & feel like I AM getting something done.  I feel hopeless that in a few years, my kids won’t need me at ALL.  I feel hopeless because all my friends I have are hours away.  Not to mention, I don’t have that many friends to begin with.  I feel hopeless that my Husband & I can’t even enjoy a “Date night” and actually have fun simply because we have to go to Lynchburg to have a “Date night” & there is NOTHING in Lynchburg to do on a Date.  I guess we could Cruise Wards Road, but I’m not 16 no more!!  I feel hopeless that we won’t have a Real Home.  Nothing that I would actually want to live in & make comfortable & homey.  Right now, this apartment is too small & I haven’t made it a “Home” because I don’t feel like I’m “Home”.  To be honest, I’ve never felt like I’ve been home.  Anywhere in my life.  Well, maybe when we lived in Huddleston when I was growing up, but that was short lived.  I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.  Who knows?  Maybe I do need to talk to a counselor.  Every counselor I’ve seen in the past has either just said I’ve just got to lose weight, I’m depressed, or just given me magic “happy” pills that never make me happy & always make things worse for me.

The sad part about all this, my hair dresser even asked me if I was taking care of myself.  She could tell I wasn’t & I was stressed…  I WANT to be happy.  I WANT the stress to go away.  I WANT to be me again.  But how do I even find her?

1 step I took to find her was I made 3 beaded keychains & 1 beaded book mark for gifts.  It felt good to MAKE something again.  It felt good to see all my “toys”spread out in front of me to “make”.  I plan on doing some more “making” tomorrow & will this time be pulling out my sewing machine!!  I even have plans to learn how to embroider on my machine!!!  🙂  I actually FEEL something when I think about it.  A little bit giddy I guess.  But it’s always so easy to say, I’ll do it tomorrow, or I’ll do it later.

I know God is there for me.  But for some reason, He is either not talking to me & waiting to see if I find my way, or He is talking & my ears are all clogged up.  I’m straining to hear, it actually hurts that I can’t hear, but I don’t know what He is saying to me.  My life lately has reminded me a lot of that song, “This is the Stuff” by Francesca Battistelli

Anyway, I hope to find my way back to me.  I’ve even been tossing an idea of a tattoo around in my brain.  No worries, nothing too extravagant.  I’m thinking a mickey head with the boys names & birth dates around it.  Maybe a couple of Butterflies to signify a few angels I hope to see one day in heaven.  Like I said, it’s tossing in there.  It probably won’t happy simply because the thought of a needle makes me cringe, but who knows?  Maybe some day…  🙂

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Research

April 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm (Uncategorized)

My Mom has asked me to do some research into a Class Action Suit on Agent Orange.  For those who don’t know, Agent Orange is a chemical the Military sprayed over Southern(?) Vietnam during the Vietnam war to kill the vegetation of the enemy.  What they did not know at the time I guess, was the side effects the Veterans would have just being around the chemical & breathing it in.  They also didn’t know the effects that the chemical would have on the Veteran’s offspring.  I say all this because my Father was a Vietnam Veteran during the time of the Agent Orange dump.

After doing research for my Mom, we have found that my Father has suffered from the side effects from Agent Orange.  He had a heart attack at an early age, 45, and the VA are considering him a Veteran who has suffered.  But what I am also finding out is that I am an Offspring of a Veteran who was exposed to Agent Orange.  You see, I have a heart defect.  Bicuspid Aortic Valve with Aortic Regurgitation.  My Doctors said that my defect is family related.  Well, I’ve been trying to track down what family member may have my defect.

I don’t believe my father did, though he did die young of Heart issues.  We believe that his heart attack was caused by this Agent Orange.  My Grandfather died of Lung Cancer at a nice old age & my Grandmother on my Dad’s side is still alive at 80 yrs.  My Grandmother on my Mom’s side died of old age(from what I understand she was a healthy woman), & my Mom’s Dad died when my Mom was young.  I think it was Liver Cancer for him.  My Mom’s siblings have either died of old age or Liver something or other.  My Dad’s siblings are all still alive.  So I have to assume I’m the first to have this defect & I also have to assume that it’s because of the Agent Orange.

In the next 10-15 yrs I will have to have surgery to either put in a stint to keep my aortic valve open or to put in a plastic replacement of the Bicuspid area.  It would be a Tricuspid piece to help my heart.

My Mom is going through the channels to put my Father on the list of Veteran’s who have suffered from Agent Orange.  But I don’t know what to do for me or if I have any channels to be put on a list of Offspring effected by Agent Orange or even if I WANT to be put on a List.  From what I understand, my Mom may receive a settlement for the Suit.  I don’t know if there is anything rewarded to the Offspring with defects.  But the more I read about Agent Orange the more I wish I could pretend I never even heard of it. You see, apparently, it also effects for generations.  So my boys could also be effected & it would also be the reason for their premature births.  But how am I to know if that is all true.  Do I take a test?  Blood work?

But NOTHING will bring back my Dad & NOTHING will heal my heart.  No money could ever repair any of this, so why bother?  So my heart is screaming at me to just let it all go.  Let God take care of everything.  Cause no matter the fact that all 3 boys were premature, God took care of them then & he continues to take care of them now.  I know in my defected heart that God will also take care of me, now & when the time comes where I need surgery, He will take care of me then.  I have found comfort in KNOWING God takes care.  Of me, my kids, my family & the things that pop up.

So I’m letting go & letting God!  ❤

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Just take a walk?

March 8, 2011 at 9:09 am (Uncategorized)

Ok, I’ve been meaning to come on here & type a little chat.  But I haven’t had much to chat about.  The house is a mess, I’m tired, Allergy season is upon us…  Normal stuff not really worth talking about.  But this morning, I am infuriated!!

I was watching the Today show just now.  Wrapped in my blanket, holding my cup of coffee, listening to Lucas play on the iPad.  Then a segment comes on about Weight loss pills.  Apparently people are doubling up on the weight loss pills to lose weight.  Ok, for the record, never done that.  I don’t particularly like taking pills so I try to stay away from them.  There was a time in the recent past that my Doctor prescribed me with weight loss pills, but I didn’t even finish the bottle.

Anyway, as you should know, I have been struggling with weight loss for quite some time.  It’s not easy.  Since the beginning of January, Nathan & I have been a part of  a at home Biggest Loser.  I’ve lost about 10 lbs according to the scale today.  But technically, in the past 7 or 8 weeks, I have probably lost more around 20-30 lbs(more) because if I eat just 1 thing that is even CLOSE to not healthy, I gain weight.  For instance, we went to Outback this past wkend.  I THOUGHT I was doing good by eating a chicken breast grilled & a Sweet potatoe.  I weighed myself yesterday & since last Thursday I gained 5 lbs.  I’ve been trying to eat only half of all my meals, drinking things that have less sugar, eating more fiber & I have even started jogging!  Last friday alone I ran 3 miles in 39 mins.  Saturday we worked on the house & I was wielding a hammer(I know… SCARY!!).  I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, & we didn’t eat again til around 7pm.  I didn’t eat during the day because there was no food in the house(its currently inhabitable), & I didn’t want to eat anything from McD’s.  So what should I have done?  What was the lesser of the 2 evils?  Eat McD’s or nothing?  We came home on Sunday.

I’ve actually come to a point where I sit here & think, “What’s the point in trying any longer?  I’m going to the gym 3x a wk, jogging 3 miles each time.  Only to at the end of the wk end up gaining 5 lbs to try to lose it all again by the next weigh in.”  So each wk, I gain 5 lbs & struggle to lose that 5 lbs by Thursday(our weigh in day for BL) & try even harder to lose MORE than that 5 lbs, to gain 5 lbs again to start the whole process all over again.  It’s so tiring.

But everybody has there simple fix.  Just eat better, eat more fiber, eat smaller meals, get more exercise…  But the simple fix that infuriated me this morning was that the lady they were interviewing on the Today show was talking about how dangerous the pills were.  I agree!  But then she told Meredith to just “Push away from the table & take a walk.  It’s easier.”  Do you think I haven’t tried that?  For crying out loud, I’m JOGGING!  Something I HATE to do, but I’m trying so HARD to lose this weight!!!  So I’ve done something I hate but to only find it’s not really working.  I have eaten cereal 2 meals a day thinking along the Special K diet, I’ve eaten small meals, I’ve tried eating nothing at all, I’ve made separate meals for me & the family, Weight watchers, Protein diet(which btw worked but the thought of eating 1 more egg makes me nauseated), I’ve tried the pills…  I’ve TRIED!!!  So the advice to just Push away from the table & take a walk?  Doesn’t work.  It’s not that easy.  Some people just can’t do that.  Some people don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to do.

But, I will continue to try to lose this weight.  I am part of a team & don’t want to let them down.  So I will keep pushing.

I’m not happy with the weight I have.  But I’m also not happy when I see results & then it just reverses so I have to try harder.

Maybe it’s the continued stress in my life.

So, I will now leave you to this, get up off this couch, get dress, get Lucas dress, & head out the door to get some steps in(I have been carrying my pedometer with me every day for the past year).  1 steps is 1 more than I had before.  Maybe that step will be the step that loses that pound.

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